Life after Sorrow
by luvtheunderdogs
Summary: What happens when your life is turned down and how does one deal with life after death and trauma? Katniss struggles with her feelings.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Coming home

Peeta and I ride back on the train to home and his silence is letting me know he's angry at me for putting on a show about our relationship. There's a coldness to me outside my inner circle and Peeta has been only in since the Hunger Game. I guess you could say I am detached, a hunter, a girl who finds feelings nonsensical. Give me a bow and arrow and there is a point to it. Feelings are not something I find welcome.

I can feel my body shift forward as the train stops. Peeta immediately steps up to window and greets the welcoming crowd. He is a natural at conversation. I feel like running to the woods the only place that comforts me but at the same time the games has made the woods seem like the enemy. Would I ever have peace again amongst the green foliage again? Or has the hunting of myself irrevocably changed all that I am?

Peeta smiles that genuine smile that seems to reflect his goodness. The crowd loves him, he's a natural born salesman without really trying to sell anything. His eyes peer out from his long eyelashes at me. My dark eyes flash at him acknowledge the ending of our journey. Peeta and I will separate back to the lives we came from, the lives we almost lost.

I see Prim, Gale, and my mother run towards me. Peeta's father walks up to him as he pats his son on the back. They shake hands. Peeta's mom is nowhere to be seen. A representative from the capitol reminds me again about the victory tour after we have a few days of rest at home.

My body is so tired but my eyes can't shut down the events of the last weeks. I replay the horrible nightmares over and over again. A knock on the window makes me sit up. I see Peeta looking through the window pane. Reluctantly, my hands reach to nudge the window open.

"Can you sleep Katniss?" I shake my head no.

He doesn't explain what I know he is going to do. Peeta leaves the window open and climbs into bed with me. His arms reach around my waist as he hugs me in his arms. Finally, my eyes start to drift away lulled by the strength of Peeta's arms and the windy air. In the morning when I wake, I feel he is gone. Again, Peeta thinks about me unselfishly as he knew that I needed him to sleep without getting caught by my mother.

The next few days I do not see Peeta but when the darkness hits, he comes to my door night after night like a faithful companion. I do not deserve his kindness but I hold onto him tightly because I need him to draw away the nightmares and to drive away the pain. Tomorrow our victory tour starts and I close my eyes knowing that I will need every ounce of energy.


	2. Chapter 2

Victory tour starts today and again I have to look and play the part. My hair is in braids tucked around and under with my clothes dark, form fitting, and powerful. Peeta's hair is slicked back and he is wearing black and red. I turn to look at him and see him smiling and laughing with passengers on the train. It is almost uncanny how easy it is for him to converse with complete strangers. His smile with those dimples beckons people and when he speaks they hang on his every word. Everybody but me that is.

When the train stops, Peeta reaches for my hand. He recognizes the part we need to play. His other hand reaches around my waist. The crowd cheers as we exit the train. Peeta turns to me and gives me a celebratory kiss. This makes the crowd go crazy. We are in the 5th district and I feel panicky. Peeta walks away from me and immediately starts talking to the children in the crowd. He waves his hands at me to follow his lead.

It was nervewracking wondering if there would be any repercussions from the people in the 5th district. Instead of being angry, many of them treated us with respect and suprisingly enough were friendly. Not that we had a choice in the matter to be in the Hunter Games in the first place! My fears were unfounded in this district, yet we still have more to go. And I am so tired of playing the games!

When Peeta and I reentered the train, I made a comment to him about how well he played the part. He turned to me sadly and said that he is not the type to play games about the things that really matter. Then, he cupped my chin, looked into my eyes and just stared. For a second there, I felt bad because it wasn't really him I was mad it. Mostly, it sucked to not have a choice in any part of my life. After that strange encounter, Peeta walked away and sat in a far corner and started drawing in his notebook.

At night time, Peeta was faithful and slipped into my bed. He did not make any comments or even look at me. But, I felt his presence and the warmth of his arms. Sleep came quickly until I was awakened by the sound of Peeta stirring restlessly in his sleep. When I touched his arms, he immediately turned me around facing him grabbing me by the arms.

"Peeta, I said, it's Katniss".

He looked up at me as I lay propped above him my head facing his.

"Oh, Katniss... you are safe." Before I even had a moment to think, he reached for me giving me a long kiss. I could not breathe and yet I did not want to stop. My insides were like jelly.

"Peeta."

I did not finish as I was again silenced with another kiss. It ended abruptly as Peeta began to softly snore. He was dreaming! I could not believe it. This amazing kiss we shared that beat all of our fake kisses was Peeta dreaming.

It took me along time to fall asleep after that but I did. I just cannot understand why I hate the pretense of dating Peeta but still need to be in his arms to feel peace. Everything is so complicated.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Karas

Peeta and I are relaxing on the train before getting to District 7. I am sitting next to him as he draws in his notebook his eyes full of concentration. Such a mundane task but it's feel amazing to be doing nothing. My project is whittling away at my arrow making the dull point sharp again. None of us are talking just enjoying the nothingness of the day. To not be on high alert wondering whether any second you were going to be killed or shot, was the best part of all.

With the craziness of last night's event, I decided not to tell Peeta about the "kiss". Obviously, it was not his fault. But, I find myself staring at his strong chin, long eyelashes, and soft lips and it is like a replay in my head over and over again. I chalk it up as the thrill of the hunt and all the crazy emotions. We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the Hunger Games. Peeta would be baking bread while I would be running in the forest with Gale. Two different worlds, two very different people.

A girl about my age comes up to Peeta and asks him if he would like a refreshment. She introduces herself as Karas from District 10. Her hair is long, blonde and miraculously straight, and her eyes blue like Peeta's. Where I am strong and fierce, she is feminine and girly. Obviously, her good looks led her to a job for the capitol. She hangs on his every word and Peeta being Peeta does not even notice. He invites her to sit with us. Their conversation flows like a breeze on a gentle summer day. In her place, I feel stiff and unruly. Conversation for me is very much about what needs to be accomplished.

When I almost had enough of Karas' giggles, the turning point came when she laid her hands on Peeta's shoulders feeling the span of his muscles and commenting on how much he could lift. It took all I could do to not give a sarcastic "Katniss" comment. Abruptly, I dismissed myself to my sleeping quarters.

Two hours later (not that I was paying any attention), Peeta came in to check on me. He suggested that we attend dinner with some of the other passengers. I feigned disinterest but went any way. Of course, Karas was there ready to hang on Peeta's every syllable.

Immediately, Karas went for the game as soon as I sat down.

"Peeta is so amazing. So, what's the deal between you two?"

"It's hard to explain", I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Well, if you figure it out let me know."

I managed dinner. The restless part of me did something unexpected soon after. Before wishing everyone good night, I walked up to Peeta and gave him a soft kiss on the mouth. He looked up at me in surprise. Hunters do not like people trespassing on their territory.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 A Plan of Action

My heart is beating furiously as I wait for Peeta to enter our sleeping quarters. There is so much I need to say. Seeing him with Karas made me feel so territorial and made me view him through the eyes of Karas. There is so much to Peeta and I haven't even scratched the surface. He is so kind, pure, and everything I am not. And the thing is he really cares about me. My feelings are hazy but I'm too selfish to give him up or let him go.

When Peeta entered the room, I motioned for him to lie on the bed. My head rests gently on his chest as he runs his fingers through my long strands. This time my eyes remain open.

"Peeta, there has to be more to life than accepting what the capitol tells us to. After everything we have been through, it's not enough any more to just sit idle and let these horrific events happen to another innocent child. If, noone stands up, things will continue on forever."

My hands link through Peetas and I feel the warmth of sunshine course through my body.

"I know what you mean Katniss. This whole experience has changed me in so many ways. I don't want to live a life where my future children get entered into a lottery."

"It's so hard to know what to do Peeta but we must think of a way to bring President Snow down."

"We are in a position to be leaders Katniss. So, all we need to do is figure out how to use our positions to make a revolution of all the districts against the capital."

The next couple of hours we played scenario after scenario. A plan slowly began to emerge from the mist. There was no way I could move forward with my life or future without bringing Snow down. I knew now how to live my life after sorrow. Yet, there was still one thing I would need to do. Peeta.

"Peeta", I whispered.

"Yes, Katniss", his beautiful eyes looked into mine.

"It's not all pretend for me either".

He repeated my words in a question which made me realize he did not understand what I was trying to say.

Like a hunter, I made the first move. Pulling his head towards mine, I lay my claim on Peeta. It was a passionate kiss and I felt so ravenous. My hands caressed the softness of his cheeks. He looked at me in surprise. Obviously, he thought his feelings were just one-sided. But the Hunger Games had changed all that. Peeta had saved me in so many ways. All I knew was that I wanted to savor this moment and literally drown in him.

He whispered the words that I could not say.

"I love you Katniss".


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 A Plan Emerges

The words "I love you Katniss" flowed through Peeta's lips and hit me like sandpaper. The walls were closing in yet I could not run. Peeta cupped my chin and made me meet his blue eyes his eyebrows raised in a question mark. His slightly roughened hands gently brushed a stray hair out of my eyes. But, all I could do was stare at him…his beautiful eyes, strong smile, boyish looks but so much a man, and barely breathe. Tenderly, my hands reached up to his face as I ran my fingers through his hair, traced the line of his jaw, ran my finger across his lips, and finally to the beating of his heart. The "thump" of his heart reminding me ever so much more what could have been lost.

I could feel his eyes look toward mine once more. I raised my head to meet his and gave him what should have been a quick kiss but his lips remained on mine firmly and did not break the kiss. He pulled my face toward his and continued. But, I became like a hunter, adrenaline pumping, and Peeta the prey. Before he had a chance, my teeth slightly nibbled on his lips and pushed for an opening. Every second of sorrow, frustration, and pain flashed through my mind, but I had to have Peeta's kiss. If I didn't have this moment, I would slide into the darkness and Peeta, only Peeta, could be my light. My hands spread across his strong arms, holding on tight, barely recognizing the ferociousness of my need. The taste of salty teardrops hit my cheeks before I realized they were my own.

Peeta broke the kiss as he tenderly tasted the tears that ran down my face. He pulled back until we were side to side, face to face. His smile beckoned, but his eyes remained serious. For a long time, we just lay there, his hand in mine, memorizing the pain and something else unknown to me on our faces that I was not quite ready to name. The lull of the darkness finally calling my name.

Warm lines of sunlight hit my face and I opened my eyes. I could feel Peeta's arms wrapped around me snug and I felt so safe. His scent and strong body pressed in my own. I dared not move because I did not want to stir and leave my bed. The sounds of birds chirping in the already perfect haven that was Peeta.

A plan was emerging inside my head to have a world where Peeta and I could wake up to each other every day in peace. It would take a lot of planning and Snow would have to go down, and alliances made. But, I realized that I could not risk Peeta. I would have to find a way to protect Peeta for I could not bear to lose him. But for now as I made my plan, I would enjoy the time with Peeta that ironically, sorrow had brought to me.


	6. Chapter 6

After awakening from our slumber, Peeta and I had to get "tortured" by Cinna and his assistants. Yet despite all the hair tugging and removing, Cinna managed to pull in some laughs. It's hard to say if I have a sense of humor, but in all the press for the Hunger Games nobody got that I wasn't trying to be funny but it came across that way. Cinna is probably one of the only people who can get me to laugh.

With very careful planned eye contact to Cinna to not alert Peeta,I was able to signal that we needed to be alone. In the midst of my nervousness, it was imperative that I trusted the right people and Cinna would do that for me. He proved it with his fiery costumes that in his own way taunted President Snow and the Hunger Games. Cinna was going to find me a team to help me kill my last human being; President Snow.

My next step would be to use my high status to get one more night with Peeta (alone) before I would deceive him but ultimately save him. There could be no link to Peeta if my plan failed. For the first time in a long time, there was clarity to my thoughts, a break in worrying about how my family was going to eat, how I was going to survive, because Peeta had taught me what it was like to exist in a world where love transcended anything and everything. With hunting, I had felt the thrill of the hunt and the freedom of running through the woods. But, Peeta has given me life; like air oozing in a balloon lifted off high in the sky. The twelve districts merely exist and every being deserved much more than the capital was allowing. To feel alive and not shout it from every pore of my being was like digging into my flesh.

I had never loved before. Sure, I loved Prim, my father, my mom, and my home. But, I never had the luxury to know what it is to love someone as a equal, to walk around in a daze because that person made you feel truly alive. If Prim hadn't been chosen, I would probably have married Gale and had our own children in the lottery. But, with Peeta he makes me want to be better and to actually change what needs to be changed. I'm better because of him. And my heart is being squeezed in a million pieces because there is the possibility of losing what we have.

The first part of my plan was to complain to Effie and Haymitch about needing some time to myself away from the probing eyes and could they not spare one moment of peace for the winner of the Hunger Games? My sober face worked wonders and Peeta and I were given time to have a picnic on the roof of a building at the capital. The same place we stayed at before we entered the arena. I scrubbed my body clean and braided my hair the way Peeta said he liked it the day in the cave. I even wore the dress my mom had made for me despite it not meeting the criteria of the ornate clothing the people in the capital wear. I didn't care for one day I did not want to be part of an act.

Peeta was sitting comfortably in the couch working on some of his drawings. My hand reached for his and motioned for him to follow me. He smiled and obliged. I could tell that he was curious. The wind hit our faces as we walked onto the rooftop. On the floor was a blanket and a picnic basket covered with food. Too much food, but the capitol is all about excess.

He smiled. "Katniss, you did this all for me?"

"Right, like they will let me cook here but it was MY idea".

We sat down and ate tomato and ham sandwiches on thick toasted bread with some apple pie for dessert. It was lovely to be outside and not hear any noise. There wasn't anything going on the capitol so it was pleasantly quiet. Afterwards, I used Peeta's stomach as a pillow and we gazed into the night sky until the fullness of our stomachs subsided.

I turned around and stood up.

"Come on Peeta."

He stood up so I grabbed his hands and pulled him close. I started to hum some songs my great grandma had taught me at a very young age. And we danced to the clear night sky, wind drifting through our bodies, and enjoyed a dance, a dance that only nature could provide.

Peeta's warm embrace is so welcoming and I know tonight that I am holding him so tightly to my own. Reality is that this could be our last time together. My fingers are laced in his and my head is resting on one shoulder.

I pause for one moment and look at him.

"Peeta," I manage to whisper.

"Yes, Katniss?"

The words do not come out that I want to say so I decide to show Peeta. My lips press against his and the feelings inside me immediately begin to stir. Peeta pulls me close against his muscled chest and his warm hands roam the middle of my back. We kiss and kiss and my eyes remain open as I check the slight blonde stubble on his face, long eyelashes, and soft freckles on the bridge of his nose. The night sky fades into early morning when Peeta grabs my hand and leads me to my room. We climb into bed and fall asleep in each other's arms for the moment safe and sound.


	7. Chapter 7 Into the Night

It was blatantly obvious that Katniss was up to something and that I was excluded from whatever plan she had going on. I cannot quite put my finger on it but there's this quiet desperation in the way Katniss is interacting with me. And that picnic and dance so unlike Katniss! She is acting like she did in the cave when she promised me that she would not leave to get the medicine. Although it worked out in the end, there would have been no way that I could have forgiven myself if she had been killed. My life would have been over just like that fatal moment that I saw her coal like eyes peer at me through the mist and rain. Her eyes were hungry for food but my eyes became hungry for something else entirely.

It started out that day like a last minute crashing storm after a peaceful day. You never really are ready for it. From there, my eyes scanned for her in the hallway, before and after school, and during assemblies. Most of the time she would be with Prim or Gale, with the latter not exactly my favorite person to be honest although he is not a bad person. But, I faded in the background for her remaining anonymous in my huge crush that kept me up nights longing for something that I could never have.

Than that fateful day happened when my name was called to her volunteered position for the Hunger Games. Effie grabbed our hands and I felt the spark through my fingertips and whole being. In her eyes flashed recognition and for the first time I knew that she remembered me tossing the bread. The next two days were silent but I could feel her presence. With everything going on and my lifeline going out like the sands of time, I had to tell the truth in my interview about my feelings for her. Her first reaction to my interview just about killed me but there was communication and that for me was a start.

When we were in the cave and I realized that I was inches from death, I bade goodbye to insecurity and told her the truth about my crush. She hugged me and it was the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. But, nothing could have prepared me for when she set her bow down, looked at me with those dark eyes and kissed me. It wasn't a declaration of love but nothing could compare to how my heart just ached and my lips sung. For a second, it felt like Katniss and I were the only people on the planet, safe and warm away the rest of the world. I had totally forgotten how our every moment was being seen on television. It didn't matter, only Katniss.

I love her more than life itself. And though I doubt her feelings for me I cannot lose her. So, I let the smell of her cascade through my body as I hold her tight. I pretend to sleep and watch her hunter like movements as she leaves my warm embrace and gets ready to make her move. But, there is no way she will leave my side.

As quickly as she leaves the room, I make my own. Gently but steadfastly, my steps follow hers. I have to wait till she crosses corners and it is not easy as Katniss is the best hunter I know. Out of the darkness, I hear more footsteps and the sounds of whispered conversation. I'm sure that one of the people is Cinna. I strain to see and hear them in the darkness. After a few minutes, we reach the outside door and the cold breeze chills my back. I continue to tiptoe avoiding the sound of a broken twig.

A slight movement has me spotting Katniss putting her bow over her back. Katniss does not believe in following orders and she is beautiful like the dark in her leather coat, braided hair, and form fitting pants perfect for running. I know that she senses something not right because I can feel her energy so I stop for a breather behind a tree trunk with thick branches. I may not be a hunter but when it comes to Katniss I am just as determined as she is.

They go deeper in the woods and it's getting harder to see them amongst the trees. What is she up to do? I can only imagine and curiosity is only adding to my nerves. It gets worse as I lose the sound and sight of their group. Where did they go?

I continue to walk and my feet are tired and my hands cold but it's still nothing like what I went through in the Hunger Games so I persist. I freeze when I hear the sounds of footsteps behind me so I duck behind another tree. The hairs on my neck stand up when the sounds stop. Where did they go?

I feel the sudden movement of two hands grabbing me from behind. My arms are pinned behind my back and I'm turned around and pushed forward. My eyes are covered with a sort of cloth. I scramble to think of what to do. I feel myself being led for a distance.

Suddenly, the movement stops and I know that I am going to see my captor. The cloth is ripped from my face and I spot two dark eyes looking at me in anger.

"Peeta?"

I smile my smile that I use for the public. My winning smile that seems to work things. But, sigh, Katniss continues to look very, very, angry.

"Peeta, you followed me." Her accusing eyes look even angrier.

"I told you that I would never leave you". I shrug my shoulders matter-of-factly. "Is that why you had the picnic, just to set me up? Make me so happy that I would fall asleep so you could leave me?"

Katniss looks down bewildered and refuses to answer. She points to the crowd of men and tells them to give her a moment. They quickly disperse. Her head turns toward mine.

"Peeta", she sighs in frustration.

"Yes, Katniss", I smile mischievously.

I guess she is sort of pissed off because she pushes me into the hardness of the tree. But, I refuse to let her bring me down. Her hands rest on my shoulders and I close the distance between us and kiss the soft skin on her neck as my fingers hold her thick braid.

My eyes stare into her eyes and I whisper softly but in no way unrelenting. "I will never leave you Katniss, NEVER. Do you hear me?"

She stops for a minute and I can see her assessing the situation.

"Damn, you Peeta".

And her arms pull me in tight so I smell her hair and tilt her head back to make her look into my eyes and I kiss her until she gets my message. With another sigh, she pulls us apart and grabs my hand to walk over to the group to assemble our plan. Luckily for me, my plan to get in her plan had worked. I love this girl! And despite the fact, she tried to pull a number from me but I know that she did it to protect me. But, what I really want to know is how deep those feelings lie.


End file.
